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Don't Mess With RoboGeisha

Written By: The Man Posted On: Thursday, 02 July 2009 11:26

The closest thing America has ever come to Geisha's is strippers. Sure strippers are great and all, but it'd be nice to see a classier brand of exotic dancers in this country. Imagine a strip club where the strippers all dressed like professional businesswomen who read the USA Today sports section outloud and hand-feed you prime rib while they strip. And these classy strippers don't just pretend to like you, the really mean it.

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Today's Links That Will Make Your Butt Explode

Written By: The Man Posted On: Thursday, 02 July 2009 10:21

Today's links that will make your butt explode include a gallery of white trash weddings, spend some time at the "cleavage corner" and a collection of the most patriotic tattoos you'll ever see.

Professional Cyclist Loses Battle With Car (Nothing Toxic)

An Epic Gallery Of White Trash Weddings (Holy Taco)

14 Painfully Funny Fireworks Accident Videos (COED Magazine)

Isabel Lucas Continues To Battle Megan Fox For The Title Of Hottest Internet Chick (Extra Mustard)

Cherly Cole Wears A See-Through Dress For Her Birthday (Popoholic)

Oregon Cheerleaders Go On A Booze Cruise (Busted Coverage)

Leah Dizon Is A Naughty Lingerie Girl (Gorillamask)

Spend Some Quality Time At The "Cleavage Corner" (Preston & Steve)

48 Funny Signs, Billboards And Notices (Attuworld)

And Yet Another Awesome World Of Warcraft Freakout (Double Viking)

A Gallery Of The Most Patriotic Tattoos You'll Ever See (Asylum)

The 20 Greatest Uses Of R2-D2 (Unreality Magazine)

A Map Of Average Beer Consumption Per State (Sublime Directory)

A Rap Video With Girls In Lingerie For No Reason Whatsoever (Drunken Stepfather)

Leelee Sobieski's Got Serious Cleavage (Screen Junkies)

Another Contestant For World's Best Booty (EJB)

Jessica Simpson Wore Another Cleavage Dress (Bastardly)

Name That Celebrity Tattoo (City Rag)

Michael Jackson Fans Are Reportedly Committing Suicide (Celeb Jihad)

Man Tries To Perform Circumcision With Nail Clippers (Don Chavez)

Tori Black Will Become Your Favorite Hot Brunette (Camel Tap)

Unknown Lifeform Found In North Carolina Sewer (Conservative Grapevine)

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The Incredible Mini-Hulk

Written By: The Man Posted On: Wednesday, 01 July 2009 21:53

One thing that amazes me to this day is that there's never been a "little people" action hero movie. Either that or a movie about a group of five "little people" ninja assasins who have to stop a giant vomit monster from taking over the world. Worst case scenario there should be a sitcom about five "little people" who are identical quintuplet orpans forced to live together in a Florida duplex called "Two And A Half Men." You know, because five "little people" equals two and a half men.

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Bad Movies Are Bad For You

Written By: The Man Posted On: Wednesday, 01 July 2009 21:48

You may think that seeing a bad movie isn't harmful to your health, but you'd be wrong. Have you ever walked out of a theater after seeing a bad movie and felt angry and dumber than you did before you walked into that theater? While this may bother you, it doesn't bother most people because they suffer from a common movie disease known as "I expected the movie to suck, but what did you expect" syndrome. The first thing you need to do when encountering these people is tell them that they're pathetic human beings and throw a pot of boiling hot grease in their face. After that you need to go home, watch Goodfellas and drink yourself into oblivion. If that doesn't seem appealing, you can simply go to the Netflix "Find Your Voice" competition and vote for the best young filmakers on the planet so you don't have to go through these horrific movie experiences ever again.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE TRAILERS AND VOTE NOW

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Triumph Interviewed By Barbara Walters

Written By: The Man Posted On: Wednesday, 01 July 2009 21:44

So the other day I was minding my own business eating some Frosted Mini Wheats straight from the box and I came across a Mini Wheat with no frosting. As you can imagine, this immediately pissed me off. Is it too much to ask for the Kellogg's corporation to stop playing these little frosting mind games with us and frost both sides of the Mini-Wheat already. It reminds me of those girls that show off their cleavage every day at work and get mad when you stare at it. I'm not mad at them like the Kellogg's people, I just wish they'd put frosting on both sides of their boobs too.

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The 10 Absolute Worst Movie Trailers Of All Time

Written By: The Man Posted On: Wednesday, 01 July 2009 19:34

Trailer Trash
The 10 Absolute Worst Movie Trailers Of All Time

People think it's difficult to get a movie made, but it's not. All you have to do is sell your soul to the devil twice, have sex with three ugly people and drink the blood of seven virgin llamas. You also have to stand in a room naked in front of a bunch of producers while they judge all of your body parts on a scale of 1-10, but that's only if you insist on getting studio funding for a Romantic Comedy.

#10 Evil Bong (2006) - The scariest bong I've ever met was a three-foot bong named "Ugly Flakes." Ugly Flakes made me punch a hole in my bedroom wall and pee on my kitchen floor, so I decided to give Ugly Flakes away.

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30 Rednecks Being Rednecks

Written By: The Man Posted On: Wednesday, 01 July 2009 17:02

Today's random and for absolutely no reason whatsoever gallery is 30 photos of rednecks doing redneck stuff. Rednecks are a rare human species of lower socio-ecomic status that began to thrive back in the early 1950's. Their primary source of nourishment is cheap domestic beer and male Rednecks tend to hunt overweight females for the purposes of procreation. While most rednecks are relatively harmless, it's still best to avoid the ones who own shotguns.

CLICK HERE TO SEE 29 MORE REDNECKS BEING REDNECKS

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The Man's Humping Day Cocktail: Jack 'N Cream

Written By: The Man Posted On: Wednesday, 01 July 2009 13:30

Wednesday is the first legtitimate day of the week that the mass population starts to get completely wasted and barely make it to work the next day. Office workers believe Wednesday is called "Hump Day" because it means you've made it through to the middle of the work week and gotten "over the hump." Functioning alcholics call it "Humping Day" because it's the first night of the week they get really drunk and start looking for something to "hump." If you're looking for a new Wednesday "Humping Day" beverage to get you in the humping mood, I recommend Jack 'N Cream. It's a delicious blend of Jack Daniels and A&W Cream Soda that soothes the tasted buds and allows you to make several poor decisions. The best part about it is when girls ask you what you're drinking, you get to say "Jack 'N Cream."

Directions:
- Pour Jack Daniels into a glass until it's 3/4 full
- Fill the remaining space in the glass with A&W Cream Soda
- Consume beverage in less than ten minutes and repeat until the bottle is gone