The bond between a man and his laptop is a bond women will never truly understand. Not only are laptops one of our best friends, but they also know our deepest and darkest secrets which are usually hidden in random folder titled "yummy." This is why you never want to touch another man's laptop. Not because it might start a fight, but because it's a major health risk.

So I just learned that the New York Times is reporting that almost half of our nation's sewage systems are currently dumping "human excrement and dangerous industrial chemicals" into our rivers and lakes which is where most of our drinking water comes from. This means that a good portion of the water we drink, including bottled water, contains some form of human poo. Now I don't know about you, but I'm going to drink nothing but blue energy drinks for the next month or so because I believe they're the only liquid substances more lethal than poo water.

I think we should all take a moment this St. Patrick's Day to honor the only Irish person that matters on this planet besides Jason Preistley, Conan O'Brien. Since we're all currently suffering through the Leno, Fallon and Letterman late night lack of laughter, I thought it was only fitting to reflect on a time when Coco had a show show. And if you're desperate for green beer tonight, don't resort to adding green food coloring to regular beer. It tastes horrible and you end up pooping a bunch of tiny green children the next day.

Some people feel safer when they have a gun under the pillow at night and I think those people are crazy. The best way to protect yourself is to always have a burrito under your pillow. If you ever get robbed, all you have to do is offer the robber your delicious bean and cheese burrito and they'll gladly leave in peace. I think you'll also find it to be the ultimate cure for insomnia because there's nothing more relaxing than the smell of a warm burrito.

If you watched the Manny Paquiao vs. Joshua Clottey fight on Saturday then you were treated to one of the greatest moments in boxing announcer history. Even though it didn't involve the always popular completely plastered Larry Merchant, the legendary Jim Lampley decided to start yelling "bang" near the end of the 8th round every time Manny Paquiao threw a punch. It immortalized one of the most boring boxing matches in recent memory and I believe every announcer must yell "bang" every time a boxer throws a punch from this point forward to make boxing popular again.

It's a tough world for dogs in today's materialistic and superficial society. Dog plastic surgery rates are at an all time high with many dogs getting tail implants and extra legs. I've even heard that some female supermodel dogs are getting breast implants and tongue jobs but that's only in Germany. You know how it is over there.

I think it's time for the men's underwear companies to introduce a male cup size system so we can start bragging about our cup sizes to women. Can you imagine walking up to a girl at a bar and telling her that you wear 36DD underwear. That chick and her ugly friend would go home with you faster than you can say "pork tenderloin."

The one major lesson I learned from this weekend is that there are hot busty girls in the world who wear sport bras on a Saturday night. My problem with this is that when they do this, they're completely misrepresenting themselves to the world and robbing us of their special gift. I also learned that when girls do this, it makes it nearly impossible to guess their bra size on the first guess.