One day I am going to achieve my dream of opening a restaurant that only serves steak. There's no side dishes, no appetizers or dessert and the restaurant doesn't even offer anything to drink ... it's just you and your steak. I know it sounds like a horrible idea but wait until you see the hot female waitresses dressed as clowns. I think they're going to be the key feature to the "Clown Steaks" restaurant franchise

Every time you're using the bathroom you're taking a risk. You never know what the outcome will be and sometimes the uncertainty can drive you crazy. This is why I always bring yellow rubber dish gloves, a laser pointer and a honeybaked ham with me everytime I use the bathroom. You never know how long you're going to be in there.

I don't have anything against small dogs personally, just their owners. The owners of small dogs are the one's that have shattered their self-confidence over the years by carrying them around under their arm, painting their nails and trying to dress them up like humans. That's why most small dogs you encounter are so angry all the time. They're usually screaming, "somebody get this freaking red bow off of my head!"

I don't know why, but for years I've always gotten gassy and had to take a dump everytime I go shopping for DVD's or electronics. Is it because I'm so excited to buy these things or is my body having a violent reaction to those anti-theft device stickers that they put in these products. I've tried talking to my butt about it but the poor bastard can't speak.

The word sh*t was supposedly uttered for the first time about 1,000 years ago. It first "leaked" into the English language as a reference to when the cattle had diarrhea. Now the word is commonly used when bad stuff happens, when somebody says something that's not believable and a response to something amazing happening. I enjoy using the word when I'm talking about Vegan food.

There are three types of people you should never trust in this world ... people who wear turtlenecks, people with weird laughs and barbers at Supercuts. You should also try avoid people with extremely "gummy" smiles and people whose teeth make whistling noises when they say words with the letter "s" in them. And don't even get me started on teddy bears that come to life while you're sleeping and steal your underwear .

If there's one celebrity capable of making farting fashionable it's Tiger Woods. Tiger supposedly commited his second farting offense during the final round of the Buick Open on Sunday (here's the first offense) and I believe it was the fart needed to start making farts a billion dollar industry worldwide. Gatorade "Fart" will become the world's first brown energy drink, the Nike "Air Biscuits" will be the most comfortable golf shoe known to man and I can't wait for Callaway's "brown oops stain" white golf pants. I don't know about you, but I'm so excited I just punched my own ass.

Learning elf-defense is easy and you don't need to take classes for it either. All you have to do is carry a Chucky doll with you at all times and learn how to instantly transform your body into a mythical dragon through the use of Medievil meditation.If an assailant ever attacks you, simply turn into a dragon and command your Chucky doll to start chewing on the assailants face. He'll run away like a girl and give you two free Arby's coupons for your trouble. You could also start practicing voodoo but the whole "where to stick the pins in the doll" stuff is really complicated.