For the last two weeks I haven't been able to the Freecreditreport.com song out of my head and it's starting to freak me out. Then I see one of those "he went to Jared" commercials and it makes me urinate in the corner of my room until I pass out. And I don't know why, but every time I see one of those Progressive commercials, it makes me want to rub spicy mustard on my thighs.

The best part about going to a Walmart besides the stale fart smell is that it always cheers you up. Most people forget that surrounding yourself with losers, even if it's for a brief period of time is a great way to boost your self-confidence. Especially if you can purchase a Kurt Russell "Action 3-Pack" DVD set, some dinosaur balloons and a 12-pack of Yoo-Hoo for less than twenty dollars and enjoy them when you get home.

World of Warcraft is the best game ever and anybody who argues that claim is a total stupid face. It has the best monsters, the players have the best magical potions and the swords are super sharp that can kill any demon. The best part about the game is the hot warrior chicks. They all have big pointy hooters and they like to do dirty dances if you give them your pearl necklace laser choker slippers. So if you ever want to join my guild search for my character Lady Spitsalotta McButtfarts. She has the ability to morph Zagmar dragons into meat lupus paste and her dangle fingers are impossible to defend.

I will always remember the movies of the 2000s as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the fall of the Star Wars franchise and the decade that Jessica Biel, Katie Holmes, Anne Hathaway, Mischa Barton, Halle Berry, Shannyn Sossamon and Christina Ricci finally took the "no shirt or bra" Nestea movie plunge. As for the movies of the 2010s... well, the ball is in your court Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Elisha Cuthbert, Rachel Bilson, Christina Hendricks,  Emma Watson, Katherine Heigl, Mila Kunis, Jessica Alba, Kristen Bell, Lacey Chabert, Megan Fox and Evangeline Lilly.

The easiest way to deal with people who are being whiny, immature and unreasonable is to start talking to them like Beaker from The Muppets. The reason this works is because there is no good comeback for Beaker noises. Making Beeaker noises forces a person realize how stupid and childish they're being at any particular moment and they stop their moronic behavior almost immediately. Either that or they punch you in the face and urinate on your car.

One of the most awkward experiences of my teenage years was when I bugged my dad to watch Seinfeld. When he finally sat down to watch an episode of the show with me, it just so happened to be the masturbation contest episode. Needless to say, it was one of the most  uncomfortable and tense 30-minute time periods of my life. Well, after you watch Mike Tyson dance for two minutes I think you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but this might be the weirdest thing I've seen since I watched L. Ron Hubbard's DVD An Introduction To Scientology. They say it's mean to laugh at the misfortune of others, but I think that all depends on the context of the situation. For example, let's say a "little person" gets shot out of a cannon and breaks both of their legs after they accidentally land on the pavement. Well, it's okay to laugh if that "little person" is a convicted felon.

For centuries we've been suspicious of cats and their purpose on this planet, but I believe their recent internet video popularity has revealed their true intentions. It is my hypothesis that cats have been studying human behavior for centuries and their internet video superstardom is simply their latest attempt to brainwash us with their "inexplicable behavior" that conveniently gets caught on camera. It is yet another sophisticated form of feline mind control intended to distract us from their ultimate plan to take over planet Earth. This is why I always urinate in a plastic bag every night before I go to bed. Cats hate human urine in plastic bags.